Who’d know

Who would have known that I’d need to be using this back again.
I seriously didn’t expect I’d ever need to resort to this little shady corner of the internetz where I can write all I ever thought about without giving a single fuck about it.
Well, things finally seem to be moving along fine. But then again, fucking shitty head allied with poor self-esteem always ends up with you thinking you are not worthy or you have done bad shit.
Then again, I couldn’t quite possibly have been happier than yesterday. Was an amazing day, I just wish I could have told her all about it and just how so goddamn happy I was and how much I loved  the ending, even if (then again, WTB Self-esteem, PM $) I still think I fucked it up and could have done it better. I never guessed I would have been the one who’d have caved into one’s own feelings first.
Well, I wouldn’t really know, I can’t ask her yet, if ever, about some stuff because apparently it will scare her off. And that’s the last thing I’d want, not when I feel like my life is moving along so nice. You see, nice is different from smooth since I’ve always had an eye for the complicated ones, and I owe this to my friends for that extra push I needed, I don’t know if I would have had the courage to step it up to this point.
Right now I’m writing this to try and alleviate the anguish stuck inside my chest, because you just wanted to hug her and never let go, if possible you would have stayed hugging her for more than you did, probably even fallen asleep by her side whilst doing so. And shit is bound to happen, and you will feel impotent, when you just wanted to move the world to make it more comfy for her.
I guess that is what love really is.
Last, but not least, thank god this end of the internet exists, and even though I have it listed on some pretty visible places, even ones where she could find it, she never will because reasons. TBH, I do expect her to find and read it, probably in due time when her vocabulary is good enough.
One last thing, I only hope I can get strong enough in less than an year, because I know that is when she’s moving away, and it will hurt like a motherfucker! Right now I wouldn’t be able to handle that, perhaps in due time I shall find it out and hopefully post how I dealt with it in here.
Till then, this has been the shittiest blog of the world most unstable nerd in the world trying to get some self-esteem beaten into his body so he can live a better life in this world.
Laters. o/~


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